Remembering 1994

Last night one of my children touched me in a way that has melted a piece of my heart. My middle son B [boy in the twin set] called me and asked me to come to dinner with him this evening. I asked him "Why Thursday baby"? He said well it IS Mother's day! I told him well thank you for thinking of me but Mother's day isn't till Sunday....

Then he says to me “Mom May 8th is always Mother's day isn't it"? I asked him what made him think that~ He tells me "That is the day we lost Sarah... That is how I remember Mother's day".

My heart sank.

A little background on one of my sweetest of children; B is the child of my heart and soul. I think those of you whom have kids know what I am talking about. He is the one of my 5 kids that ALWAYS makes me feel special. Hugs me- kisses me in front of friends and treats me like I am a queen. I love my kids- ALL of the pack but somehow B is the one that touches my soul the deepest. He was also the one child that had to work the hardest in school. He had a slight learning disability that made it hard for him to learn some of the simplest of tasks such as the alphabet and anything that required rote learning. Yet he was brilliant in math and science. He was doing algebra in grade K but didn't read until almost the end of second grade. He still can't remember the months of the year or days of the week without looking at a calendar and he is now 27 years old. He deals with it.

So when he remembered that May 8th 1994, Mother’s Day, was the day I lost my last child~ it floored me. I suddenly realized that the lost of his baby sister touched him deeper than I had ever known. I lost Sarah in my 7th month of pregnancy... she was still born. I somehow in my head never knew this event had touched my children as deeply as it did my husband and me. Grief can be blinding, I suppose.

This morning I took the last bit of her ashes from my memory box. We had scattered the tiny amount of ashes her precious body yielded a year later with her Daddy’s ashes from a mountain top not far from the house. I was selfish in my grief and saved a small vial of her for myself. Today I took that vial and walked the paths of the Memorial park where we all had planted a dogwood in her Daddy's honor.

It was a beautiful spring day and I sat under his tree [which has grown so tall with time] for the longest time just spending moments with the family that never got to be.

I scattered her ashes among the young spring flowers at the base of her Daddy's tree this afternoon.

I will gift my children the right to have a place to honor her. I think my child has taught me a very valuable lesson this week. I smiled as I saw the birdhouse strapped to a high limb... knowing that my oldest son had visited. He makes the most wonderful bird houses.

Sarah Marie~~ I was blessed to share my body with you for 7 months and I still mourn the life we did not get to share. I think of you often and I now know your siblings still hold memories of you too...
You will always be loved~